CONSOLATION after DESOLATION
The dark nights will make you wander of how do light dawns every day. Going through hell is necessary to crave and wonder what life lies in heaven.
THE TOUGH WEEK
This week had been so tough. If I may put it, the toughest of them all in this year. I may have had lots of sleepless and tearful nights. That was just it. But this week, to the point of going through hell (desolation) and would even love to stay in there. I have had lost the eagerness to rise up, to detach and give up on things that used to be so important to me, to be blinded in order not to see the people who are dear to me, and to just delve into the realm of my negativities.
Such feelings or outburst of emotions, for being in the situation, is all due to this so-called rotunda, an unending dwelling of what is not helpful for oneself and to many in general. My actions weren’t consistent with my words, again, and again. With which, it led others to be confusion, doubt, disappointment, and mistrust. Such I great withdrawal in my personal and relationship bank account. If others have felt that, I was the one who felt it at first. That because of it, I wanted to give up on myself. I wanted to stop doing what I used to love to do, first and foremost, to share the joy of the Gospel, the mission. I lost the enthusiasm and meaning to share. I was lost. I was really confused. All I can see in myself is a crying baby, helpless, good-for-nothing – self-pity.
As I always remember (and being reminded of), that the worst times in our life is the best time to be at the feet of Jesus, our loving, faithful, merciful, compassionate, and forgiving God. And so, I did.
It was very promising. By the time that I said to myself “stop”, it was then the time that He said, “Keep on.” And He continued, “This is not your battle anymore. It is mine that you have to fight for. Keep your eyes on me. Pause if you need to, but don’t stop.” Those words were very heartwarming and assuring. Indeed, it is not my battle anymore. it is not about myself, my plans, my will, my desire, but His. There is nothing for me to boast or to call my own. Simply because, there is nothing for me to call my own. As St. Paul’s letter to the Romans, “But you do not live as your human nature tells you to; instead, you live as the Spirit tells you to…(c.8, v.9)”
It was then in these words that reminded me that going through hell in one’s life is needed. And in order to go out from it is to keep walking, to ‘go though’ it. Just enjoy the view. But don’t stop. Just keep walking. Keep moving. Don’t lose sight of Jesus’ promises on your life. Don’t lose sight of what have been manifested in your life.
HIS CONCRETE WAYS
Such experience might be superficial. Is such conversation exists? Yes, it does. And would always will for any heart who seeks and longs for consolation.
Those words have had been shown into His not-so-unusual yet profound ways. God manifests or disguises Himself through the people we meet every day (or even not), or through the songs we listen to, or books we read.
During those desolating times, He used people both ways: as a strong reminder or reprimand and as an assurance. We need some awakening in us by the words of people who cares for us. Their loving and strong words are needed to make us sure that we will be back on the right track. A brother who is dear to me, whom I have asked for feedbacks, gave me those reminders and in a way reprimands, with which I value really. I did not rebut anymore. I just listen (read the messages). I accepted it.
Some have had expressed their support through their prayers and words of assurance. Heart-melting words such as, “We will always be here for you bro”, “Remember you are loved”, “You are in our prayers”, and others. Wow! Where can you find such brothers and sisters on earth? That is really the gift of community, a family, not by blood but relates with one another thicker than that.
The week ended with striking and moving words through the homily and our session with Medical Mission Sisters: “Service always entails sacrifices”, “If we really love, we go beyond”, and my personal mission statement, “In omnibus amare et servire.” In my amazement, I placed a deep sigh and smile on my face. I said to myself, “Thank you Lord for speaking, again and again. You always put me in awe of your love, faithfulness, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness.”
Many realizations and learnings come with amazing, disturbing, distracting, life-changing situations. The times where we find ourselves at the feet of Jesus. The times where the only way out is to go through it, face everything, and man-up to things. The dark times where we can appreciate the light that is ever present in our lives. The times where Jesus amazes you more of His profound and wonderful ways. A decision has been made and been praying for it, and even ask others to pray for it. And now, that am back on my feet, the mission continues.
Well, that was the story. For sure this will not be the only week or time that I will be in such situation. It may be a different life-changing story again, but, such experience of assurance, of consolation will always come after desolation. It was worth taking. And God will always deliver me through it.
God is real.
He is alive.
God be praised always! All for the Lord!
“Because of his affliction he shall see the light in fullness of days; through his suffering, my servant shall justify many, and their guilt he shall bear.” Isaiah 53:11